The Nine Lives of Von Heimlick Real Life. Uncensored. Unedited.
#1 Hansoff and Von during a hang gliding trip over the Colorado Rockies come into a virtually unstoppable death spiral - plummeting 3,000 ft. directly over the mighty Colorado River. Hitting the water knocks both Hansoff and Von unconscious. They are both later miraculously found by park rangers on the river's shore with only minor cuts and bruises.
# 2 A SWAT team arrives at the North American Flavor Laboratory after an unknown number of armed men break into the top secret corridor containing Hansoff's prized Sub Atomic Flavor Analyzer. Tear gas and flash bang grenades are lobbed into the rooms. In the midst of the chaos Von gets blinded by a flash bang and runs directly into the cross fire. Von is hospitalized for 6 weeks. All intruders are apprehended.
# 3 Hansoff and Von go to Vegas in search of some R & R. After two Vanilla Daiquiries, two Swirled Collins Rolls, three Alaskan Thunders, five Belladonna Burgers and a 22 oz. steak Von and Hansoff are aching for some relief. In a bit of a stupor Hansoff goes after his indigestion medication, giving Von one to many. Von ends up spending three hours in the ER getting his stomach pumped.
# 4 Michael Rick, Hansoff's good friend and close neighbor, loses one of his pitbulls named "Angie". Angie makes her way into Hansoff's yard finding Von sleeping in the shade underneath a tree. Sensing danger Von scurries up the tree without a second to spare. Angie, an east German tree climbing pitbull, pursues. Von leaps from the tree onto a nearby power line containing exposed wires, the electrical shock throws the now flaming feline over 40 ft. landing in a neighbor's pool which extinguishes the fire.
# 5 After a six month expedition into the Amazon Dr. Hansoff catches eight brazillian salt water piranhas for the purposes of running tests on their highly developed taste buds. Von awakes with early morning hunger pains and mistakes the brazillian salt water piranhas for gold fish. The piranhas consume Von's right fishing paw causing him to lose balance and fall into the tank. Seconds later Von scrambles out of the tank missing with two inches of his tail missing.
# 6 In 1982 the FBI informs Hansoff of a threatening ransom note demanding the Quantum Flavor Transformer in exchange for the continued well being of Von Heimlick. A successful wire tap puts Von's location in an abandoned warehouse in Atlanta where after a raid he is found tied to a wooden chair, under a broken light, with tape over his mouth, severely dehydrated.
# 7 The decision to use the Quantum Flavor Transformer (QFT) on Cat Nip wasn't an easy one to make. The previous time the doctor had used the Quantum Flavor Transformer resulted in a loss of power for 16 blocks and heavy fines. Nonetheless, Hansoff, knowing the unadulterated satisfaction Von and other cats received from the joyous substance makes the decision to employ the QFT on the catnip. Von, the first test subject, experiences a high level of euphoria followed by six months of chronic depression. The resulting cat nip is coined "Cosmos Sad".
# 8 Von, in a state of despair from a recent dose of Cosmos Sad steps into the direct line of sight for the primary laser of the Sub Atomic Flavor Analyzer. The chain reaction results in the entire south wing of Hansoff's research center going up in flames. Von escapes with 3rd degree burns and minor smoke inhalation. Forced into 6 months of rehab Von scores half a dozen autographs from fellow celebrities.
# 9 In preparation for the 39th annual Welder's contest Hansoff begins work on "The Masterpeice", a 3,500 lb. steel replica of his lost Sub Atomic Flavor Analyzer. As Von sleeps Hansoff spills over a deadly chemical mixture igniting his workshop. Forensic investigators later find Von's bones inside the workshop, but not the late doctor's.
